This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
