this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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