Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
