you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
