just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Enjoy the penises
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
