i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
