I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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