I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Houston, we have a blender
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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