She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
