You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
