youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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