Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
