my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
