My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
