Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE