He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon