please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
