6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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