my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
