is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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