So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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