I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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