He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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