I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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