I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
