When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
