I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
cat food counts as protein by the way
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
