Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
