FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
