My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
