Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
