Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
