Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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