shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
