smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sext me about skeletons
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
