i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
