Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
