everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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