Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
