my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
