oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
