I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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