I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
