its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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