"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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