the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
