I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
