mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
