in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
