Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
