he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
