Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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