So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
