Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
